If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
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Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.