My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
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Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin