[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
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I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I like crazy people until they notice me
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
What personal space?
My dog
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.