Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
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i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”