I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
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Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
fired
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?