“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
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That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
*seductively eats two tums*
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.