Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
you stereotypes are all alike
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
They’re not wrong