Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
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Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
How about I get 100% off by already being there
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
My new favorite headline
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on