[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
You Might Also Like
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?