Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
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It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Goat cheese is for herders.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?