I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
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My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
How do you like your Corgi?
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!