My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
You Might Also Like
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.