My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
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me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Möther may I have a snäck
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies