Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.