People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
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Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.