Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
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In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”