A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
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Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what