One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
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Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
And that about sums it up.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good