I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
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“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you