CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
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When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie