Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
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Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front