Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
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*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
With this onion ring, I thee fed
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99