Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
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Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
“That’s what” – She
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands