screw you
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The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
This is so me 😂😂
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving