Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
You Might Also Like
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman