me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
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Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
what’s more important?
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Meanwhile in Portland…
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.