God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
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[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
i actually laughed 😩
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Finally, a door that understands me
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.