It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
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Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent