Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
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DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
dads on road-trips be like
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.