Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
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What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.