I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
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Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
🤣✨#caturday
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.