This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
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I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
#oldknees
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.