*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
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“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever