My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
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Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot