I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
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Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Think I pulled my liver
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.