Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
You Might Also Like
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.