Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
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*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
#Caturday
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat