I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
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day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
From my Mom
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that