If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
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pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok