[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
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Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
me and the Superbowl rn
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
What?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.