Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
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“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.