also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
You Might Also Like
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner