one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.