I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
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Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this