One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
You Might Also Like
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I don’t know what to do
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Has there ever been a more American story?
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.