I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
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“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!