Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
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Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.