Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn