I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
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Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody