I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
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Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”